Ever go through several days where everything just feels...sort of like a dream? And I don't mean that it feels like all your dreams are coming true - I mean, everything just feels like there's a possibility it's not ACTUALLY happening...?

The last week at work was exceptionally busy. I didn't even have time to be stressed over it. It was non-stop. And I floated through, frantically racing from floor to floor, learning to do things I hadn't had a hand in before (one of my co-workers was sick all week), and putting out fires. Somehow, through all of it, part of me just stood back and watched. It was the strangest thing. Maybe I did it to cope. I don't know.

We've changed the custody schedule so that I have the kids from Monday until the FOLLOWING Wednesday, then Jim has them from Wednesday 'til Monday morning. 9 days here and 5 days there. We're going to see if it works. We talked about it a lot together. I talked about it a lot with Mark. We talked about it a lot with the kids. At first, it wasn't even on the table, but as we talked, it evolved and...well, here we are. We start our 9 days tomorrow, and I hope I feel better than I do now.

I started feeling gross last week. A sore throat, and no big deal, because Mark had it and Liam had it (his actually became croup) and it wasn't so horrible. But in me, it morphed and evolved into this energy-sucking, cramp-inducing illness that necessitates being in close proximity to the bathroom. The worst for me, of course, is the nausea. I can deal with the toilet trips. I am used to that. But the nausea is hard to handle. And somehow, through it all, I feel like I'm sort of observing it happen. Like I've lost the strength to grab hold and take control.

It's odd.

So today, I'm stuck in my bed, and it's given me some time to think, and here I am, posting my thoughts. Bear with me.

I don't ever talk about my sister here, because it's too hard to. I don't even know where to start. So I won't start at the beginning. I'll just say that she's at a crisis center this weekend, and I think about her two beautiful kids all the time...and wonder how I can help those kids and be involved with those kids...and I just don't have any answers. God knows my life has enough complications. But I love them. And I think they're in trouble.

That's all I'll say about that.

Maybe I'm doing this "observing" thing with my life because it's a bit much to deal with right now.

Do you know that a dear friend of mine informed me that it's very hard to maintain a friendship with me? Suggested, even, that I am not handling my depression well enough, and that it doesn't "suit" me?

Yes, yes it's true. It IS hard to maintain a friendship with a person who:

a) is depressed
b) is stressed and chronically busy at work. I work through lunch nearly every day
c) has three children, who are her first priority. And who, incidentally, are not with her full-time, so when she has them, she makes that time count. She devotes that time to her kids

I admit it. I don't go out much. Life is very full. My kids are my priority. And frankly, I think I'm handling this depression well. I'm going to get help, just to satisfy those around me who are concerned. But I'm doing well! I'm functioning. I'm going to work. I'm raising my kids, and those kids are happy. I'm maintaining a parternship with Jim. I'm building a relationship with Mark. I'm taking care of my house and my bills and my pets. I'm doing photography, which brings me joy. And, when I can, I am trying my very hardest to pay attention to my friends and my family.

Ever feel like you are being pulled in a million different directions? I am so sick of apologizing for being a disappointment.

Huh.

Now writing that felt REAL. No standing back and observing, there.

I'm not going to be sorry anymore. I am working my ass off to be an excellent mother, to excel at work, and to hold it together enough to function as a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a daughter, a sister, a home-owner, a freaking psychic, an energy-worker, a photographer, and a friend. More times than not, I'm walking that jagged edge, and feel like giving up.

This is the best I can be right now! I can't do any more. If I do, I will sacrifice myself to do it. So I won't. I cannot help my sister. She needs more of me than I can afford to give, and nothing I give is EVER good enough. I cannot do readings for the long list of people that want them, though I would love to. I cannot be as social as my friends would like me to be. I simply do not have the time or energy. Even if I *did* have the energy right now, I still would not have the time.

I have sacrificed all I'm willing to sacrifice.

Good. I'm mad now.

It's better than guilt sometimes, don't you think?

This is me. Take me or leave me.

And to those dear friends who stick by me and don't expect more of me than I can give: I love you! Thank you! THANK YOU! Without you, I would feel lost. You lift me up and carry me through bad times, and you join me in celebrating good times. I love you.

How does one express gratitude to those who accept them as they are? Maybe to do the same in return...and I think I do that. I hope I do.

I promise never to expect more of anyone than they can give. And if I feel sad that they're not giving me what I need from them, I'll question why I expect them to fulfil me, and work on ME more.

That is all.