Life has worn me down a bit again, I'm afraid.
Barf always does this to me. Phobias are awful, eh? And when you're faced with one, it sort of dwindles your hope a bit.

I feel sad today, so I'm going to write about it.

I feel sad because Caleb is still sick. He was up four times last night, running to the bathroom. I lay awake, thinking about all the work I've missed and will have to miss still. Thinking about my boss, who is hard on me sometimes. Often, really, and whom I know is disappointed in my absences. I thought about poor Caleb in the bathroom (who I often went to check on, of course). I thought about how bone-tired I am. Every muscle sags under the weight of my fatigue; every bone aches. I thought about how emotionally tired I am; how drained I am spiritually. I still have some juice left...but the extent of this depletion I feel...is discouraging.

I feel sad that my mother found some lumps under her ribs and didn't tell me about it. It's okay - turns out she has to start taking new medication to help her liver flush bad cholestorol. The best result that couldn've been, I guess! But she didn't tell me until afterward. She went through it alone.

I feel sad that I've lost a soul-mate: my sister. When Jen was born, I remember feeling like I had finally been completed. Jen and I have been soul twins - opposites - friends and enemies - forever. I love her with an ache in my gut. I cannot, for the life of me, understand her, please her, or give her what she needs and nor can she, for me. Right now, we aren't even speaking. But I keep up with her LiveJournal just so I can know she's surviving this hard life, and so I can see photos of my gorgeous niece and nephew. And Jen had a miscarriage. Jen recently miscarried what would have been her third baby. And I didn't even know. It breaks my heart.

I feel sad that my brother is going through a WONDERFUL time in his life and I haven't been able to share even that with him, because of how busy and sick I've been. I haven't met the girlfriend who has come into his life and brightened it. He's moving in with her late Spring. And somehow, I haven't met her. I love her already because of what she means to my dear brother. But I've never looked into her face. Smiled at her. Touched her hand and thanked her. Welcomed her.

I'm sad because I haven't talked to my father in over a year, except for the occasional email. I haven't heard his cherished voice since Christmas 2006. I don't know if he realizes how much I love him, and how sorely I miss him. I'm sad because my father lives in a storm of alternating mania and depression...but mostly in depression. And that's awful, because he is a marvellous soul and a beautiful man. And I cannot help him. I don't know how he feels today. I don't know what he feels. I don't know.

I'm sad because I don't feel like I appreciate the things I have enough. My Liam is learning to talk. He's changing so much! Last week when we got him from Jim, Mark looked at me, astonished, and said, "Tree, he's BIGGER." He was right. Oh. Liam's favorite new thing to say is, "Mama! LOOK!" He shows me the tv and books and his hands. The window, the papers on the couch, his brothers. I look, and say, "oh yeah!" But I wish I could really, really SEE.

I'm sad because Aidan is sick now. He alternately hovers threateningly over the toilet and unceremoniously marches down the stairs to watch tv. His cherub face is pale.

I'm sad because I feel overwhelmed. I think the only thing to do is to keep going, you know? I mean, what else is there? But I feel so tired. And I don't know if I'm doing this right. ANY of it.

If my mom had reached out. If my sister had. Would I have been there for them? Would I have comforted them? If my brother decides it's NOT okay that he doesn't see me much...would I lose him, too? Would I fail him?

I feel sad because I love Mark, and I don't think I'm doing that right, either.

What is love in the face of all this sadness?